Summer Plans and Other Stuff

Hey guys (as if they are any), sorry for the hiatus. I guess my break took much longer than I thought it would. I went to a Uncommon Hacks, which was a great time as I met a lot of cool people and I spent a week in Des Moines with my future roommates. I also moved into a new room since I got a job as a resident assistant which isn’t too bad so far. The move is just for the May Term where I’m studying Computer Graphics, which is really difficult as it’s totally different from anything else I’ve ever done.

In Computer Graphics, I get to take a look at the algorithms that render images onto the screen. We aren’t learning any specific technology like WebGL as our professor argues that while tools become outdated, the underlining tech stays the same for the most part. We’re focusing on Ray Tracing, something that isn’t used outside of the movie/CAD industry since it’s computationally expensive. However, as computers become increasingly more powerful, we are in a better place to make use of ray tracing. It’s super duper hard as we actually need to think, but the discipline and knowledge we gain is really valuable.

Anyways for the topic of the post. Initially, I thought I was going to get an internship, earn some money, apply my theoretical skills to the classroom and add some work experience to my resume. After all, I got the website, the GitHub, the events and career fairs. I even applied to more places than last time. While I did get one offer (so I thought), all the other 40 odd places I applied to either didn’t reply or rejected me with a copy pasta email. I got five interviews out of all my applications, which is a great change for once.

They all said no, but at least I got one, which I was really happy for. They offered to help me with housing, which is something which they hadn’t done before. Great! Even if I didn’t get housing, I’ld find a way to live in the big city. Sadly, they said that after some discussion, they couldn’t give me the leadership I needed to succeed (whatever that means) and they took away the offer, a day after they said they were about to formalize the offer as the found housing for me. Rather frustrating as I had to drive (without reimbursement) for interviews, wait an entire month for an actual response and the fact that didn’t turn me down as soon as they couldn’t find the leadership. Then again, I appreciate that they kept in touch with me, offered to help and actually called me to turn down the position instead of using a copy pasta email.

Still, I can’t help but be disappointed at being turned down so late when I thought I had solidified plans, but also with the whole recruiting process. I mean, all I got were copy pasta replies if any. I mean, I feel as if they didn’t bother reading my application. I wish I was at one of those fancier schools so I could leverage alumni, but I can only blame the process so much. The other great disappointment is in myself.

I mean, my cover letters were terrible, I didn’t apply early enough, my resume sucks, my grades aren’t top tier, I don’t go to a top tier school, I haven’t worked on many personal projects, commit to open source, win hackathons and w bunch of other things. Heck, I didn’t do so well in the interviews. I delayed preparing for them because it would only be worth while if I got an invitation to interview, which happened five times. That means that I never got through those big programming prep guides reminiscent of those SAT books. Also, I was really awkward as hell, didn’t research companies well enough- generally I suck.

Heck, I’ve promised to do a lot of things that I haven’t done, like the editor wars. That fizzled out since I decided Sublime Text 3 was great for me since it opened up super fast. Those books I said I would read? I only read half of one of them. Then again, there isn’t any need to prepare for an internship any more so yeah. Also things more personal I’ve promised to and I can’t commit to. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Anyways, it’s just ironic how I hate people for taking forever to get to the point and I’ve spent 750 words doing so. Now to the point. I guess this summer, my plan would be to work at my college’s cafeteria again :/, but at $8/hour instead of $7.25 (yay incentive structures!). In August, I’ll probably go back to Zimbabwe to see my family and join the trip to Greece (that they’re going on without me 😦 ). Then I’ll fly back early for my formal RA training for 2016-17, not working at Google for $5,000/month, but I suck so why should I expect that :/.

Wow, I sound so defeated right now. I guess it’s just coping with reality or maybe it’s that movie I watched, Inside Out, that is leading me into being sad so it can cope. But I don’t have to suck (this bad) forever. I can always improve. I have a laptop and internet, I can learn stuff. I have a Raspberry Pi to play with and an untouched Arduino to be fiddled with. There are food banks that could use help and open source communities I can contribute to by fixing typos. I have weight to lose (150lbs to be exact :/) and weights to lift. Restraint to practice and a whole host of other things.

While I want to say I have a concrete plan as “deliberate learning” is  powerful thing, I’m stumped right now. There’s so much I can do that it’s impossible to plan for it all. All I can do is start. To begin with, I’ve got a new personal website to build along with a personal blog. I hope will get that done by this Wednesday Sunday this week, maybe with a blog post on my new iPhone! Also, I guess I’ll make use of my free gym membership, watch all the Pixar movies (I’ve seen 2/16 so far) and cry through my Computer Graphics class.

Wow, I had a lot of words to spit out and I was probably more vulnerable than I typically am, but I needed to get it onto words. My failings are mostly mine, but it’s up to me to move forward and work within my power to change my situation. I have no idea what I’ll do next week, but on a while card, I might just post an Impossible List or a List of Ideas to make.

Have a good week everyone!

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